leftover feelings from the ashes
feeling phoenixy in saying goodbye to 2024
“I’ve had a tough year,” I’ve said a dozen times this month. This isn’t really like me—I am usually one to focus too much on the “bright side” and gloss over the uncomfortable or overtly negative crap in the world. But, almost every conversation I have with friends and family alike, this sentiment was echoed and shared. Collectively, 2024 was full of macro influences that none of us could hide from. As I look back on my personal year—month-by-month, week-by-week—2024 wasn’t necessarily all bad, and I can’t help but feel an immense amount of gratitude. As heavy as 2024 was, so much beauty was sprinkled throughout the year.
2024 was a year of challenging family circumstances, of long-held beliefs questioned, of a blossoming new friendship, of new creative pursuits and ventures, of abnormal work-related stresses. None of these things are necessarily bad or negative, and some are incredible rare and special. As we near the end of this year, I refuse to look at myself in the mirror, one year older, having thought that these experiences didn’t shape me for the better, even if some of them may have caused temporary pain or discomfort. The marks 2024 made on my face, my heart, and my brain will stay with me forever—not every year is like that.
Every year gives high highs and low lows, but “lows” of this year felt poignant in the nature of the low itself. Most of my “lows” were rooted in the process of unraveling a specific and deeply woven part of my identity—the people-pleasing, A+ perfectionist part of myself. It’s not like 2024 was the first time ever that I confronted this part of me—it’s been a years-long, messy process. But, this year felt different. And, hot damn, did I do a lot of work this year in that regard. 2024 blessed me with me resources and friends and circumstances so perfectly situated that it felt tantamount to any sort of growth. I had to lean into the process of rejecting my people-pleasing self, or else. This year was so transformative in this regard that perhaps the apt metaphor is this: I burned the f*cker down and rose from the ashes. (The “f*cker” being anything that was not authentic to me.) Year of the Phoenix, anyone?
Considering 2025 is *actually* the Year of the Snake (rep TV fans, rejoice!), this progression seems appropriate—albeit somewhat dramatic. From a phoenix rising from the ashes to a snake shedding her skin—it feels like I’m in the midst of a divergent era. 2024 was a cleansing year, and I enter into 2025 with a high level of rejuvenating energy. Last week’s missive really drove this point home—I manifested (re: demanded) more more more in my life in the coming year.
Before we dive head first into 2025, though, I am stuck on the “how” to memorialize the specifics of my 2024. How does one summarize or document such a big year full of small wins and deep emotional changes? With numbers? With a laundry list of key memories?1 With some poetic tribute to the leftover feelings? This year calls for all of the above and more—because of course, sometimes the wisdom lies in the nuance, other times it lives in the “well, actually, let’s just throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks”.
I won’t bore you with all the details of my 2024 close out, because let’s just say I’m really leaning into this metaphorical throwing of spaghetti, and my journal is a wild place right now, not fit for mass consumption. I would, however, like to share with you with a few fun numbers, some sticky little takeaways, and a very heartfelt HAPPY NEW YEAR.
A few *actually* tidy numbers of my 2024…
Fifty-three. I wrote 53 pieces for Well Actually, including today’s missive. In the eight-month life of this Substack, that means 53 times hitting publish for my small little corner of the internet. 53 moments where I spent time doing the thing I love so much—the thing I’ve been so timid to say I love out loud: writing. Time spent on this platform has been healing, FUN, joyful, and incredibly rewarding. If you’re reading this, you were a part of bringing those feelings to life—thank you from the deepest part of my heart. The most wonderful gift of this particular venture though? This year, I called myself a “writer” for the first time ever.
Forty-four. Originally, my reading goal this year was 65? Maybe 70? I don’t remember exactly because it became very apparent by February that I wasn’t on track to reach what is a typical goal for me (for context, I read 60 books in 2023 and 73 in 2022). This year I read 44 books—which could be considered a failure if we compare to the original goal. But, remember my year of rejection of perfectionism? That’s right! I’m proud of this number, even though it wasn’t what I planned or expected. And, the reason why? Packed into these 44 books are gorgeous quotes bookmarked, layered characters loved, takeaways discussed in detail with bookish friends, and a few new additions to my all time favorite book list. Twelve of the 44 were from our Dear Readers Book Club syllabus, another 5 were classics revisited or picked up for the first time, 2 were poetry collections I purchased while traveling in the UK, 1 was a Dramione fan fic (my first delightful foray into the genre), many were veryyy weird, and all of them taught me something, even if it was that I still have a sharp enough sense of critical thinking to disagree (well actually) with a premise even if the author is an “expert”. In other words, who cares what the count is, as long as what you read counts? (Two cheers for corny takeaways!)
A few discrete and lovely, unable-to-quantify moments of 2024…
This year Nik and I welcomed a puppy into our home. I traveled internationally (England and Wales) and domestically (a lot of exploring Washington with Nik and friends). I saw several plays and ballets and comedy shows and concerts. I went on a writing retreat (my first!) and took a few virtual writing classes (Hugo House shout out). I celebrated birthdays, including my own, and incredible accomplishments of my friends. I had the privilege of bearing witness my sister’s uncanny bravery, my best friend’s brilliant side hustle take off, another friend boldly set boundaries with her career, and another bestie navigate complicated family dynamics and a friend breakup. I hosted dinner parties and book club gatherings and movie nights at my home. I cooked when it felt good; I ordered takeout when I needed it. I braved the frontier of making new friends as an adult and embraced vulnerability in ushering in new seasons with old friends. I discovered a Korean spa (thank you Amanda) and made it a routine to spend a day at the spa every few months for some rejuvenating self care.
A few feelings on extracurriculars and work in 2024…
The book club I co-host (shout out, Dear Readers!) grew and deepened in some beautiful ways. The evolution and strength of this group of women is truly one of the brightest stars in my life. Everyone shows up authentically, and it feels more than just a book club (dare I say, it’s more like a coven?). And, our syllabus for 2025 is SO DAMN EXCITING.
I excelled at work in some ways and took a step back in others—never perfectly, but always authentically. I’m still coming to terms with what it means to achieve, what it means to be “successful”, and what I actually want for my life’s purpose. But, isn’t this an ongoing question for so many of us?
A few ongoing emotional undercurrents of 2024…
I trekked through the muddy waters of what it means to be a good partner when both parties are going through their own transformative and heavy years. I excavated emotional truths from my previous marriage.
I grappled with my place in my family. I revisited who I was when I was a teen (literally and figuratively).
I wrestled with what it means to be a 38 year old woman in America. I questioned whether I want kids.
I confronted the deep dark emotional depths of myself.
I grieved, I raged, I screamed. I groaned, I breathed, I exclaimed.
I frowned, I smirked, I rested. I laughed, I cackled, I sighed.
I cried, and cried, and cried. I smiled, and smiled, and smiled.
I put one foot in front of the other. And then, I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Moving forward.
A few of my favorite missives of 2024…
I am journaling heavily on my key memories of the year, going month by month—something I’d encourage all of you to do, if only because it’s FUN.
Honored to be your Partner in Pages for Dear Readers and so very proud and in awe of you!