scarcity mentality is a ruby woo-lipped villain?
another addition to Silly Metaphors for Serious Things, and permission to ignore the red-lipped Disney villain of a mindset that tells you it's a zero-sum game
Today’s topic is a hard one for me. But, do you remember what I said about fear a few weeks ago? That sometimes fear is my body’s way of telling me to do the scary thing anyway. So often there’s a reward on the other side of the act, even if it’s small, that makes it worth while. Today’s fear is wrapped up in me sharing a vulnerable sentiment—one of scarcity mentality and “being wrong”.1
“Is it possible it’s not a zero-sum game?”, my therapist asks about a situation I’m in. This question’s gut-punching truth stung—there’s an implied assumption of a scarcity mindset baked into the essence of the question. This is jarring to me. I’ve rarely in my life made “good” decisions when I’m coming from a scarcity mindset. A lot of my internal work throughout my 20s especially was understanding how to overcome this perspective. So, when I find myself in a scarcity mindset like this, I know it’s a warning sign to get out ASAP. To be honest, though, it is a b*tch of a perspective for me, and depending on the circumstance, exiting is easier said than done. To help, I have decided to give this scarcity mindset a persona. Enter: Silly Metaphor for Serious Things.
I’d like to start thinking of scarcity mindset as a Disney villain: a very chic, impossibly elegant, and dramatically destructive entity. She smokes her cigarette from a long holder perched between her perfectly painted nails. She’s probably wearing MAC Ruby Woo on her lips. From underneath a pile of fur delicately balanced on her shoulders, she rasps something like, “Darling, life is full of tough choices, isn’t it?” Even after her departure, you can still smell the lingering cloy of her perfume, as if she still clings to your deepest insecurities. You’re convinced that you will never not smell the decaying scent of a room full of dying flowers.
Don’t get me wrong, as an adult, I realize most Disney villains are misunderstood, queer-coded badasses that made a poor decision at some point in their journey, likely pissing off some dude in charge. One wrong move, or trusting one person that betrayed them, leads to a life of mistrust, misanthrope, or misdeed. Sometimes these villains make sense in their plight. Their anger is understandable and their warnings profound.
Similarly, a scarcity mindset can be appealing in its simplicity, elegant in its swift understanding of a situation, and unfortunately necessary at times. There are certain scenarios where life presents a zero-sum choice that we can’t avoid: death and debilitating sickness or injury, for example. A scarcity mindset (like a villain’s mindset) is sometimes even the easier choice—every man for himself, it’s a dog-eat-dog world, etc., are natural thoughts in times trauma or stress. It’s hard work to shift perspective to abundance. I’m not suggesting that mental illness or extreme traumas can be overcome with a simple “mindset shift” and a silly metaphor. But, I’m convinced that Silly Metaphors for Serious Things can certainly help—if nothing else than to provide common language that elicits a smile.
Not everything we face is always zero-sum. Sometimes I’m the Hercules that rises above the villain’s power, embracing a curiosity and abundance mindset like a smug champion. Other times, I’m the poor unfortunate soul—the hoarding resentful gremlin—who gets distracted or seduced by the Red-lipped Scarcity Villain, especially when she’s using my deep-seated aversion to “being wrong”—the most common way my scarcity mindset manifests.
To illustrate the point, I was recently chatting with a group of friends on a topic I generally know well—clothing. We were discussing all things cashmere sweaters from the brands we like to the styles we can’t stop wearing. I made some comment to the effect of well, it’s cotton so it’s meant to be long-lasting and durable. Two of the group immediately correct me—cashmere is wool, not cotton.
Cue a dramatic internal record scratch.
Cashmere is wool. (Me to self: duh.)
This is an obvious fact that I should have already known. My body has been dripping in cashmere for 79% of all fall and winter days since I moved to Seattle, so why didn’t I know that cashmere is wool? Probably because I grew up in Texas wearing cotton sweaters from Gap. Probably because my cotton farmer grandfather never thought to teach his progeny about the different types of luxury fabrics. Probably because I learned it along the way, perhaps several times, and just never retained the information.
In that moment, the Red-lipped Scarcity Villain sashayed into the metaphorical room blowing cigarette smoke and peppering me with intrusive thoughts: This must mean that you don’t know anything about anything, darling, especially about clothing and fashion. And also, you poor unfortunate soul, didn’t you just put out a piece on Substack about style??? What kind of credibility do you have now? And then finally, you should just ruminate on this gaffe ad nauseum as if you can go back in time and change the moment where you embarrassed yourself. Of course you can’t do that, darling! *Cackles maniacally.*
Intellectually, as intrusive as the Red-lipped Scarcity Villain and her accompanying thoughts are, I know they don’t define me. Who cares what I do or do not know about fabric? My friends certainly didn’t. And, one incorrect assumption does not define my entire knowledge base about anything or any one thing, especially my knowledge about clothing and fashion.
The pursuit of being “right” is sister to perfectionism, who also haunts me. Remember the Rowdy Robin from my first long form Substack post? The one who inspired me to give up the pursuit of perfectionism?
What are we doing with our one wild and precious life? Wasting it on the pursuit of perfection? Avoiding joy and exploration because we may fall short? Second guessing ourselves when we have a typo or can’t quite express ourselves fully? No, sir. That’s not what we’re doing. We may be scared, skeptical, insecure, or some combination of all three, but for me, I’d like to take the cue from Rowdy Robin (or any other bird of your choosing). He flies floppily, sings intently. I want to pursue that which excites me, that which gives me joy, just like him! And, I want to do so with gusto, sass, and imperfect execution.
The pursuit of being “right” is a fool’s errand. I know I can never amass all of the knowledge I need to be right all the time, and even if I could—how boring. I don’t want to waste my one wild and precious life trying literally to know it all. I’m not interested in being around people who expect that from me or themselves. And, if I’m being even more honest, it’s my imperfection and your imperfection, that makes us f*cking fun and interesting. How funny is it that I love fashion and clothing and didn’t know (or forgot) that cashmere was wool? It’s LOL funny!
The internet has a lot of advice on how to overcome a scarcity mindset, most of which includes recommendations like fostering collaborative relationships, practicing gratitude, and noticing and redirecting automatic thoughts, among others. I’m not a therapist, nor am I an advice columnist, so I’m not here to say what is the best approach to seek abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset. What I will say is that I’m on an ongoing mission to overcome spiraling in a zero-sum rabbit hole or falling prey to the Red-lipped Scarcity Villain. If that’s you, too, you’ve got a friend in me.
And, for now, I’m simply approaching situations with gusto, sass, and imperfect execution. I’m rejecting perfectionism. I’m seeking gentleness with myself, nonjudgemental support from my partner and friends, and space to give gratitude. And, perhaps I’m due for a fresh tube of MAC’s Ruby Woo, because the Red-lipped Scarcity Villain can’t be the only one looking chic. WE’RE IN AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET, REMEMBER?
This topic feels especially pertinent during an election season.
This: Even after her departure, you can still smell the lingering cloy of her perfume, as if she still clings to your deepest insecurities.
SO GOOD!