so you think you're a girl's girl?
a girl's girl knows one when she sees one.
Every time I hear someone call themselves a “girl’s girl,” I am either delighted—because the source is obviously a girl’s girl—or I’m enraged—because she is obviously not a girl’s girl. In the latter scenario, a woman (or female-identifying person, or self-proclaimed feminist) co-opts the phrase, either having no idea that she’s not one, or she knows and is just using the phrase to bolster her own self-importance. This bastardization of such a holy term perplexes me, so let’s talk about the use, misuse, and abuse of the term “girl’s girl.”
Let me back up first. I’m still riding the high of a bad blood petty party (re: my soapbox on pettiness from two weeks ago). Writing that piece only prompted more questions, more discussions, and more ideas on what pettiness is and how it can be useful (or destructive). My petty spree has taken me straight to a deep rumination on this idea of a “girl’s girl”.
The two concepts—pettiness and “girl’s girls”—intersect in at least one obvious way. I’m feeling petty about the paradox of a person being markedly a non-girl’s girl but insisting on using the phrase to define herself anyway. I venture to guess that most women, especially white women, think they are a girl’s girl, but actions speak so loudly, it’s obvious that we are not all girl’s girls.
And, well…actually: You don’t get to call yourself a girl’s girl, if you’re not a girl’s girl.
And, don’t think you can cosplay a girl’s girl for long, either. No, girl. A true girl’s girl will sniff you out eventually, like a truffle pig, because a girl’s girl knows one when she smells one. This metaphor may be too niche, but girls’ girls are fabulously feral like that. So, to rephrase: A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
I implore you—even if you just know you’re a girl’s girl—please re-evaluate and continue to re-evaluate your girl’s girl levels. Confusion, or lack of self-awareness, on this gets under my (petty snake) skin, and girl’s girls can’t afford to stand for it any longer! Not in this Year of the Snake! Not in this year of reputation (Taylor’s Version)!! Not in this year of resistance, rebellion, and singing Do You Hear The People Sing? on repeat!!!1
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
I love your outfit. Even if it’s not her style.
A girl’s girl comes in all shapes and sizes. She may wear black leather and a red lip. She may love pink and wear bows in her hair. Her aesthetic does not need to be quintessentially feminine, nor does it need to not be—it does not need to be any certain way. No matter what a girl’s girl wears, she is authentically herself. She becomes fast friends with you in line for the bathroom at the bar, restaurant, or concert. A girl’s girl may compliment your hair, the book you’re reading, your nails—it doesn’t matter what she’s complimenting, she’ll do it sharply and specifically, but never in a way that implies your worth hinges on your appearance.
A girl’s girl’s compliments do not contain any meaningful superlatives. She does not center competition between women or hierarchy among friends. A girl’s girl certainly knows that best, prettiest, smartest, etc., can slice the other way so quickly, especially when said in a group of friends. She knows her words mean more than their discrete definitions and the way she compliments has power. A girl’s girl, without compromising her own confidence, can see beauty in others, even if it doesn’t mirror her own or she doesn’t understand it. She seeks to understand other women, not through competitive comparison, but instead through her sacred circles where they share their own complicity, likes, dislikes, preferences, fears, and dreams.
A girl’s girl’s attention gives you warmth as she meets you where you are—she’s telling you I see you. She’s telling you I am complimenting you without qualification or unnecessary comparison to other women. She’s telling you that your version of girlhood is worthy and unique—valid in its expression. She’s telling you this without expectation of anything in return—not even a smile, though she’ll always appreciate a knowing smirk. She’s telling you that you can be you, completely—not you in relation to another woman. She’s telling you she’s a safe space.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
Stay away from him. Even if he’s her brother, best friend, or coworker.
A girl’s girl believes women because she knows maybe not all men, but definitely always a man. She would never say she was asking for it. A girl’s girl rejects the idea that the way she dresses or acts can be his excuse for his unforgivable behavior. She also doesn’t speak negatively about other women’s bodies—she learned what not to do from observing the media’s treatment of Britney Spears circa 2006.
A girl’s girl doesn’t overly praise other women’s bodies either—she knows our entire worth is not wrapped up in our physical selves. She does still appreciate the beauty in our many corporeal forms though—short or tall, size 2 or size 12, white skin or brown skin, freckled or scarred. She can hold many truths at once. A girl’s girl knows that intersectionality is the cornerstone of feminism. She doesn’t ignore body politics. She rejects the misogynistic beauty standards that are rooted in the deep racism of this country.
A girl’s girl knows that to assert herself as a girl’s girl is to assert herself as a certain type of ally. She understands the responsibility behind the term—this is why it’s important not to cosplay a girl’s girl. A girl’s girl does not seek male validation in any sphere, especially not in a way that makes herself or other women small or uncomfortable just to ensure his largeness or comfort. She especially doesn’t prioritize male approval at the expense of her female-identifying friends. A girl’s girl will give you ample space to talk about yourself without always turning it back into a conversation about her. She gives you the floor and actively listens. She is a safe space for healing tears, heartfelt advice, humble reality checks, and honest support. A girl’s girl has a nod and a wink readily available—girl, I know what you’re going through or at least I know enough to support YOU, not the societal expectation of YOU. And, perhaps most importantly, you can TRUST me implicitly.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
I love you to the moon and to saturn. Even if you don’t understand why.
She’ll exclaim this to you, even for your seemingly “small” qualities. She knows the “insignificant” things about you are the things that men, guy’s girls, or the world has told you to make smaller. She knows that these qualities are the ones that are exciting about you. A girl’s girl sees these qualities as the unique identifiers of your brand of femininity. She knows that there are so many versions of what girlhood means. A girl’s girl cheerleads your interests because they are a sparkling extension of you. She does not view your accolades or skills as some sort of referendum on her worth. A girl’s girl does not breed jealousy, but instead celebrates and supports other women’s accomplishments. She knows a rising tide lifts all ships.
A girl’s girl will move heaven and earth just to cheer you up or squeeze a hug because of the gorgeous minutiae of what makes you you. She really does love the gorgeous minutiae of you! The way you decorate your apartment with 100 shades of your signature color pink—blush and bashful are two distinct shades, after all! Or, your penchant for a Big Salad after a long day of extroverting too close to the sun. A girl’s girl doesn’t grandstand about knowing these things about you. She may celebrate these small you-specific details in public, but when she does, she centers you. She doesn’t do so in a way that says look at me! look at me! I am proving I know her better than all of you. A girl’s girl’s love for her friends is not about social status, or personal gain, or boasting credentials. She is there for you without entitlement to your time, energy, love, or attention.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
Here’s a tampon. Even if she’s a stranger in a public bathroom.
A girl’s girl, like a house guest, leaves you better than she found you. She shares. She shares her tips for shopping for lip gloss that makes your lips pout that certain way. She tells you about that yoga class, masseuse, book, or recipe that changed her life. She does so in a way that implies she doesn’t want to create another version of herself. A girl’s girl doesn’t want an army of “yes girl” girls—because a girl’s girl is not a Regina George.
A girl’s girl doesn’t need reciprocation, but she is willing to ask for help or advice. She shares because she values a healthy exchange of information. A girl’s girl gives this information to other girl’s girls from that deep matriarchal place in her belly—a place of abundance, not a place of scarcity. The motivation of her sharing is from a place outside of the patriarchal noise. You, a girl’s girl, receive this as helpful information, not as prescriptive dictation. Gossiping, yapping, or influencing—whatever the name, a girl’s girl knows she is in safe conversation because she is among fellow girl’s girls.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
Can I vent a little? Even if she has something shitty to say.
A girl’s girl, like a sister, will only blast another woman to her trusted inner circle. She sometimes needs a stacked court, a biased jury, a council of ladies who will defend her even when she knows and they know and she knows that they know she’s wrong, emotional, raging, or frustrated. She doesn’t talk sh*t for the hell of it—no, not at all. But she does talk sh*t for the smell of it—if she’s in a situation with a stench of a masquerading girl’s girl, then she needs to verbally process.
A girl’s girl’s circle of trust—a coven’s table, perhaps—is a vault wherein she can “get it all out” without judgment. At some point she’ll reach the conclusion, an epiphanic ah-ha! I get it now, she’s not a girl’s girl. We all have that moment—about a personal acquaintance, a friend of a friend, or hell, even a long-term friend, or even about a character in a book or film. A girl’s girl is well-acquainted with that moment of realization—we are dealing with a fake girl’s girl in action.
A girl’s girl loves a pop culture example: have you started Season 3 of White Lotus yet? There’s a trio of women on a “girl’s trip” this season, and the first two episodes provide an onslaught of these ah-ha! fake girl’s girl moments. As in, ah-ha! these (on the surface) girl’s girls actually hate each other but are pretending to still be friends, sh*t talking each other behind each other’s backs, and throwing veiled insults at each other as if they were actually compliments—this is not girl’s girl behavior.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
I believe her. Even before we heard the full phone conversation Taylor had with Kim and Kanye.
A girl’s girl doesn’t love the drama, though it may love her. A girl’s girl would NEVER say: I’m not friends with women—they are just so much drama. She would never because she knows where this sentiment comes from. A girl’s girl knows that the idea that women are dramatic/hysterical/too much has been fed to her to breed competition among women. She knows that anyone who pits women against other women or a woman that defends this “women are too much drama” ideology at the detriment of another woman isn’t a girl’s girl.
A girl’s girl doesn’t act overtly sexual toward men who are partnered or by all accounts uninterested in her in that way. Some may call it “girl code” but, let’s be honest, even the phrase “girl code” feels like a riff off of “guy code” and, like, we don’t center male validation or terminology over here, do we? A girl’s girl shouldn’t need a “code” or an instruction manual to know what makes her friends comfortable in social settings. She is reflective, communicative, and self-aware enough to do her best to uphold her friends’ boundaries. She may not always get it right, but the spirit of the intention is is rooted in prioritizing safety. A girl’s girl creates a safe space no matter how small, because she knows the safe spaces are both the bedrock for a friendship to flourish and the haven into which both friends can retreat. She can create that space by saying just one word (you know the word), or in exchanging a look across a crowded room, or by double-squeezing your hand at dinner—all to say, I got you and we are gonna debrief this later.
As certain as you can find Sally selling seashells down by the seashore, a girl’s girl gives respect and gratitude to another girl’s girl’s girls. A girl’s girl doesn’t bring a scarcity mindset to friendships. She isn’t curt or rude to other friends in her friends’ lives—in fact, she is deferential without cowering. A girl’s girl knows girl’s girls’ friendships are not exclusionary or cliquish—rather, girl’s girls’ friendships are sacred. Both may imply an inner circle, but a girl’s girl’s inner circle is built on a holy foundation of trust, understanding, care, vulnerability, and open-mindedness. A girl’s girl understands that, despite her reluctance to use superlatives, a “best friend” moniker isn’t meant to degrade her other friends. Rather, it exalts certain friends for the unique, special, and (I’ll say it again) sacred bond between them. She may have multiple best friends, each of whom respects the other’s place in that girl’s girl’s life. It takes a village of girl’s girls.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
TMI but listen to what happened to me this morning. Even if the server just arrived at your table with your entrée plates.
To be a girl’s girl is to be vulnerable in your girlhood and your humanness. A girl’s girl talks about her periods, my uterus feels as if it’s been trampled by the four horseman of the apocalypse. She is open about her insecurities—the blackheads on her nose, her anxiety when flying, her autoimmune disease, her mom’s health, the challenges of her relationship, her persistent grief, that silly thing she said to her dentist, her worry about her dad, her gastrointestinal struggles, or the mixed feelings she has about her career. A girl’s girl understands that women have the right to make life choices that make them happy even if they are different from hers. A girl’s girl can be a stay-at-home mom, a Girl Boss, a multi-hyphenate, Type-A, ambitious, unmotivated, highly verbal, reserved, a baker, a cheese lover, obsessed with fashion, a notoriously poor housekeeper (hi, it’s me!), or anything in between.
A girl’s girl isn’t trapped by her own insecurities, nor is she trapped by other people’s insecurities, emotional infancy, or lack of self-awareness. To coddle those around you is something expected of a “cool girl” or a “nice girl,” which are not synonymous with a “girl’s girl.” A girl’s girl lets go of control around her trusted fellow girl’s girls, because she knows that the root of that control so often comes from her buy-in that she must be smaller, must be demure, must be contained, must be “cool.” She rejects these assumptions, even if she may struggle with letting them go. A girl’s girl is open with that struggle and she has fun with it. She will text you the next morning, thank you for letting me sloppy-rant over that giant order of french fries/second bottle of wine/third scoop of ice cream. A girl’s girl knows how imperative and existential it is to be honest with oneself and with others even when it comes out a little messy. A girl’s girl won’t expect perfection. She will embrace the mess. A girl’s girl only expects respect, really.2 She’ll be trustworthy with your information, your deepest darkest secrets, your loftiest desires—even if you aren’t a girl’s girl.
A girl’s girl will hold that safe space for that vulnerability, and a fellow girl’s girl will pour her trust into that space. Girl’s girls will nurture each other’s vulnerabilities without taking advantage of them. And, she’ll do so wearing your favorite color, toasting you for no other reason than you are being authentically you.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
A girl’s girl is soft, but not a push over. A girl’s girl is understanding, but she has a limit. A girl’s girl is tolerant, but only has so much capacity for those who are continuously dishonest with themselves. A girl’s girl is brave, but she has self-preservation—she knows when to employ both. An army of girl’s girls is a fearsome thing to behold. They are empathetic warriors who won’t take sh*t from the masqueraders anymore.
A girl’s girl knows one when she sees one.
So, tell me, when a girl’s girl turns her eyes upon you, what does she see?
If you haven’t seen the footage, the Army Chorus sang Do You Hear The People Sing? at the Governor’s Ball on February 22, 2025. It was a beautiful act of resistance through art. Theater nerds rejoice!
Well, actually, let me put a finer point on the idea of RESPECT. So many folks think that deference to a person is a show of respect. I humbly call bullsh*t. My assertion is that a girl’s girl/true friend respects their friends, but only shows deference in very limited, rare circumstances.
Respect is a deep admiration/regard for the other person. Respect comes from understanding the other’s motives, honoring their boundaries, and holding their delicate information confidential.
Deference, on the other hand, implies hierarchy and competition and there being a “superior” within the friendship. Some folks may get off on having friends who defer to them, but this is not the bedrock of a girl’s girl’s friendship. The intention upon which deference is based is reminiscent of people-pleasing—i.e., an intention to “gain” or “win” favor.
Merriam-Webster defines “respect” as:
a: high or special regard : esteem
b: the quality or state of being esteemed
c: respects plural : expressions of high or special regard or deference
And, “deference” is defined as:
respect and esteem due a superior or an elder
also : affected or ingratiating regard for another's wishes
Further, “ingratiating” is defined as:
1: intended or adopted in order to gain favor : flattering
2: capable of winning favor : pleasing
This was worth the wait! It’s so important and I hope someone gains self awareness to improve because this is the time. It’s so worth it! ILYSM and there is no other girl’s girl who I love more and has the best insight for all of us.
SO MANY GOOD POINTS. Makes me want to assess my behavior to make sure that I’m being the full-out girl’s girl that I want to be.